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This was where all that reading had gotten me. Yet still I didn’t fit in. In the city I was a naïve country kid. And a visit back home drew the frequent tease, ‘Oh, she’s smart. She’s a city girl now.’ I never knew what to say to those taunts. The first in my family to go to college, I was handed admiration and guilt on a plate… all I could eat. I kept sketching the stone reliefs on my daily commute but soon became frustrated. The bus would pull away just as I was focusing in on a detail I wanted. Or it would cruise by too quickly for me to see. Finally I decided to take my own walking tour, and this turned out to be a grand idea. I could park myself in front of any building for as long as I liked. The buildings were an extended family of sorts. They shared a rough similarity of height and size, but beyond that, pixilated into unique detail. At a certain point, brownstone surrendered to glass and metal, old world gentility became lofty new age. I swear, each and every building. Her rose colored cheeks faded and then her eyes opened. Upon the edge of the woodlands we gathered imagining shaped clouds of colorless folds- unbounded in riches and unfettered by ideas. Tessa looked at me and then quickly looked away. I could hear her breathe, I could see her heartbeat. “We believe what we want to believe.” She whispered softly before she blanketed herself. “I think you have always known that.” Seven years collected in memory- where delusions rise to the surface and hold me condemned to die by my own thoughts, my own feelings, my love. I still remember those words as if they were being spoken at this very moment through her raspberry pouted lips. “I think you have always known that.” I have. Even now there are doubts hanging, lingering as if I had not put my entire existence into her happiness. Begrudged heart separated from how it all began. I slowly came to the realization that it was out of my hands. “I do love you.” I reiterated my stance. To be shunned and.
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